


[Discarded] So bury me, or let me fall like rain

by akira_menace



Category: Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Family Loss, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Torture, Past Character Death, Suicide Attempt, this is a scrapped chapter from a larger sehan fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:47:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28280385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akira_menace/pseuds/akira_menace
Summary: “Could he ever find it in his heart to forgive me?”The question lingered in the air for a while with no answer.
Relationships: Nehan & Six | Seox (Granblue Fantasy)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	[Discarded] So bury me, or let me fall like rain

**Author's Note:**

> NOTICES:
> 
> -like the title says, this is a scrapped chapter from a much larger (albeit shippier) sehan project  
> -LOTS of creative liberties are taken, especially about Karm + their traditions + nehan's family.  
> -originally outlined late last month, only finished writing it on dec 20th, published on the 24th (dated back to the 20th).  
> -i am not the writers so do not expect 200% in character. this is more of an exploration of these characters.  
> -originally this was for me to help me cope with my own childhood traumas.

During the time that Nehan was recovering, there’s been some setbacks. Seox learned to be patient with the back and forth of the man’s mental health—giving him space when he clearly needed it or catching him up on things he had missed out on (especially the Stardust children’s health). Nehan developed headaches more frequently and at times, Seox did find that there was a candlelight on in his room at night. Eventually, Tweyen had privately told him that the other Karm wasn’t sleeping very well. Seox never brought it up despite knowing, respecting Nehan's privacy. They weren't at the level of friendship but the Eternal did feel a large responsibility concerning the man.

“Let go of me!” Nehan snapped, brushing his shoulder away from the Eternal’s helping hand. They were on the deck of the Enforcer’s ship. Lecia agreed that it was probably nice if Nehan could get off the island for a little bit. Gran's crew took Mugen, figuring that the giant wouldn't be able to recognize how delicate the man was. Nehan pushed Seox away, “I want nothing to do with you!”

Anger was still in his heart. The Erune gripped his cane tightly, biting his lip as he glared at nothing in particular. 

He took in some deep breaths, in and out, to calm himself. Without the constant watching of the mafia, or Mugen around, or the constant pressure to produce Serenity Heaven, Nehan felt like he was out of his element.

Seox watched him struggle with two minds: the calm he had after their fight and the hatred that lived throughout his childhood. On top of being displaced and confused, it was hard to contain his emotions. Nehan never mourned for his family. Nehan never had the _chance_ to grieve, really. This peace was something stressing and unfamiliar to him—that’s what Seox grew to understand in these short months with him.

With one hand on the handle of his cane, Nehan began to rub his temple and sigh. “My head hurts…”

“Do you want to go back to your room?”

A brief pause. “No, not yet.”

There was a tense silence between them again. What was there to chisel away the wall Nehan made? Seox, though knowing the other Karm’s intentions, didn’t want to overstep his boundaries. Nehan, intending to find some painkillers, reached into his pouch. Instead of producing the medicine, he pulled out a leaf.

Karm’s leaf.

Weight crashed onto the man’s shoulders as an intense loneliness filled his being. He thought of his family. He thought of what he wanted. He held it close as he looked at the clear skies.

“I have a request.” he spoke up. Seox’s ears perked up at the voice.

“What is it?”

“Take me to Karm.”

Seox blinked, searching in Nehan’s face to see if this was all a joke or not. His brows drew together as he drew in a breath, “Fine. I’ll ask the captain. In the meantime, I’m taking you back to your room. Your headaches won’t get better out here.”

Nehan gave a small, grateful smile. It wasn’t much but it did brighten Seox’s day a little more.

Nehan shared some of his thoughts to Seox and briefly mentioned his family's favorite spots in Karm. When Seox asked to know Nehan better, the weak man fell silent. Of course it was going to be rocky. The Eternal huffed and the rest of the way was quiet. Just before he entered his room, Nehan looked back at Seox with a conflicted look in his eyes.

"Thank you." he finally said.

"N...No problem…" came the response. They stood there a moment longer—staring—before Nehan finally closed the door.

Seox ended up wandering aimlessly into the halls after that exchange. It wasn't like he was familiar with the Enforcers' ship, and he had no particular destination in mind anyway. He came across Monika and Lecia. Neither woman knew what to say first, but Lecia did try a friendly approach.

“Hello, Seox!” she greeted. She received a grunt as a reply—it really was a Karm trait to behave so abrasively to whoever wasn’t in their ‘pack’. And it wasn’t like they formed an actual friendship either. Lecia came to him originally to arrest him about the Massacre, after all.

“Monika. Lecia.” Seox spoke, “There’s something we need you to do.”

“What request would that be?”

“If it’s no problem, we’d like to go to Karm.”

“That’s—” Lecia started, but Monika cut her off.

“It’ll be done.” She eyed Seox carefully.

“Why would you want to go there?” Lecia asked, her curiosity getting the better of her. Seox took a moment, debating about telling her about anything private. The fact was that they already knew what he'd done on the island and there’s no reason to dodge the question at all.

“Nehan wants to go back. I’m not sure why.”

“It must mean a lot to him.” Lecia supplied. “To return to the place where the massacre happened…”

“The massacre…” Seox’s brows drew together, “Whatever reason he wants to go, I only have one concern.”

Lecia and Monika’s interest peaked. What could be Seox’s concern about returning to Karm?

“I worry about his reaction to the graves I buried.”

The realization fell onto the ladies’ faces. The atmosphere grew heavy. How _would_ Nehan react to Seox being the one to bury his friends and family? After all, the one who killed them was right here. Was it right for him to be the one to bury them in the first place? Was it right for Seox to be the one to put their souls to rest?

“Could he ever find it in his heart to forgive me?”

The question lingered in the air for a while with no answer. The girls couldn’t answer—their lips formed a thin line in silent contemplation. The only one who could answer that was Nehan and that was a toss up considering how split he was. Seox believed that it was impossible. The man had every right to hate him for a lifetime. Even then, he wanted Nehan to look at the future instead of having an iron grip on the past. He wanted the other Karm to know that Mugen wouldn't abandon him.

Seox felt that it was too early in the recovery to show the other man the graves; yet he knew that Nehan _needed_ to know. It was inevitable at this point. At most, he had a couple days to think about it.

“Thank you for taking the request.” Seox muttered as he turned and left, leaving both Lecia and Monika to stare at the Eternal’s back. The girls exchanged solemn glances.

Seox knocked on Nehan’s door and after having the invitation, he entered. He found that the ex-mafia was tending to the small plants he’d taken with him. It was a soothing hobby for him. He caressed a leaf, checking its health as he sprayed it with water. Seox noted how it was his own little safety bubble that he created. A way he could lose himself and not worry about how removed he was.

Nehan's grip on his cane was tight, his balance wasn’t quite right yet. His leg muscles were improving as he carefully relearned walking. His arms and legs were still thin, and his stamina was more fragile than ever. Every day was an improvement for the man; Seox was thankful for that. Thus, his heart became happy at the sight of Nehan.

Warm light poured through the windows as Nehan tenderly inspected each green leaf. When he spoke up, he still looked at the plants but with a deep sadness in his blue eyes. “Tell me, Xing: if you were Chief of Karm right now, where would we go from here?”

Chief of Karm. That was what Seox was lined up to be, before everything.

“What do you mean?” came the Eternal’s response.

“Our clan. Where would we be, now?”

“Exploring, learning new ways to adapt to life without being ostracized by the outside world; a new life.”

A chuckle. “A new life…” Nehan brushed his fingers against a thick leaf, “I’ll ask: what would you do for the clan to progress like that?”

Seox took a moment to think about it, feeling like he was being interrogated by the ex mafia. He knew that Nehan was so deeply attached to their culture. He can’t stop thinking about the past. The Eternal licked his lips, preparing his response carefully.

“I don’t know.” he finally answered, “I was never taught nor experienced a lot of our culture. You know that more than me.”

That earned a frown from Nehan. “How would you think _we_ would begin anew? The two of us are what’s _left_ of Karm.”

Seox had no answer. Nehan continued on.

“By now, I could’ve gotten happily married with a family. Maybe, you too. We would’ve had a perfect beginning. Our children possibly befriending one another despite our history. They wouldn’t know Karm nor its bloodstained past. But, that’s in a perfect world.”

“Yeah…”

Silence permeated the room again as Nehan’s questions rattled around in Seox’s head. How could _they_ move on? He thought of his own atonement, but that was for himself. Now that there was a survivor as a consequence of his action, how could both of them move on from their history? Looking at each other was a reminder. “Lecia and Monika agreed to take us to Karm.”

The same ghost of a smile from earlier came back on Nehan’s features. He gave a satisfied, yet tired, nod while grabbing for a napkin. As Nehan wiped his hand from the dirt from checking on the plants, Seox was reminded about the graves. His heart grew heavy.

“Nehan…”

“Hm?”

Guilt choked Seox’s voice. He wanted to tell that he was the one to bury the people of Karm but he didn’t want to break the small peace the other man found. Seox looked away. “...Nothing.”

That earned a silver brow to raise and with one last look toward the plants, he tossed aside the dirty napkin. He leaned against the wall as the silence between them grew increasingly awkward. Nehan tapped on his cane, his thoughts drifting to the past. Then, finding one memory he cherished, he chuckled. It caused Seox to look at him in confusion.

“My sister.” Nehan explained as he took a seat beside Seox. He had both hands on the handle of the metal stick. His eyes reflected the immense love he had for his sister. “She would always have any flower I grew in her hair. For instance, one day it’d be pretty blues and the next it would be pink. She was so proud of how well I took care of them; always saying how vibrant they were.”

“Oh…”

“She’d show it off to the other kids in the hamlet,” Nehan’s smile didn’t fade as he spoke about his older sister. “She’d always shout, ‘hey, look at what my brother grew’ despite it being incredibly unpopular among the sparring group to grow plants. She was always the one to encourage me.”

“She loved you very much.” Seox interjected with his own slight smile.

“She did. It’s a memory I cherish a lot during the days in Karm.”

Seox had his own memory that didn't involve a Skyfarer, “I only remember a group of kids playing in the distance. I wonder if you were one of them.”

“Perhaps.” Nehan said, “There were things I often did in the village. There were ceremonies I participated in, for example. Or, staged fights, the chases and agility tests, traps… I'm sure you've heard the thunderous stomps of our practices during… ah, never mind.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t remember much of Karm.”

“It was your prison, I don’t blame you for feeling distant with it.” 

"It was your home, I feel as if I should relate a little more." With Karm as their destination, Seox’s own smile fell off.

"No. I really don't hold it against you for not feeling attachment toward Karm, Xing." Nehan stood and breathed deeply. The dark circles under his eyes gave away how tired he was. Seox placed his hands on the man's shoulders. A slight smile formed on Nehan's tired face.

"I feel like I'm eighty."

"Recovery isn't instant, Nehan. You lost a lot of weight and muscle during your sleep. It's expected that you'd sometimes feel too tired to stay awake."

"I guess you're right."

"Come, let's get you some food before you sleep."

…

In a couple of days, they finally reached Karm. The skies were grey and the air smelled like it was going to rain. Nehan sniffed, brushing his finger against his nose. The tropical atmosphere that Karm had always felt suffocating at first. The trees and plant overgrowth had engulfed everything and Karm was reduced to looking like a jungle.

Lost childhoods, abandoned by the survivors of Karm. To Seox, it felt alien returning to a place that brought bad memories. To Nehan, it was a reminder of the only good things that happened to him.

“Come.” Seox said, taking the lead so that he would fend off anything that jumped out at them first. Nehan was in no condition to fight, but even worse: he wouldn’t be able to go past the traps to enter the village first. They had to tread carefully and slowly.

Many times, Nehan slipped and almost fell into a trap but Seox was there to stop his fall. They found themselves relying on each other; Nehan pointing out the more hidden traps and Seox to bypass it with ease. At one point, Seox carried Nehan and his reward was metal hitting his stomach.

"Warn me next time."

"O-o-oka-aey…"

When they finally entered, they were greeted by the beautiful lakes with lotuses glowing in it. For a moment, Seox was stunned, flooded with the memories thinking about Gran’s father. Nehan paid no mind to it and clumsily continued onward. Seox noticed how the hand holding onto the cane slightly shook.

This place did mean different things for them.

Nehan stopped in front of a house that was covered in the island's plants, inside and out. Longing was in the man's eyes. Quiet, Seox approached and glanced at the house with the other Karm.

"This was my house."

"Do you want to go inside?"

Nehan shook his head. Despite glassy eyes, he didn't allow for tears to fall. "I… I don't have the strength to."

While Nehan was lost in the memories of his deceased family, Seox looked ahead into the direction the massacre happened. The tightness in his chest returned.

"Nehan… I…"

Silence. The Eternal sighed, once again unable to tell the truth. He placed a hand on the other man's shoulder, "Let's go further in."

Numbly, Nehan nodded but didn't make any indication to move. Seox turned on his heels and began walking. It was a bit before the other was able to follow. The Eternal silently led the ex mafia toward the place they needed to be. He didn’t know how things would pan out but, he thought it was better off to deal with it sooner than later.

He stopped in front of multiple mounds in front of him. Nehan approached from behind, stopping beside him. At first, there was no reaction—but then that slowly morphed into disbelief. His breathing picked up slightly, “Wh… They’re...already buried.”

“I’ve been meaning to tell you…”

“...Tell me what…”

“I came here to bury them, multiple times.” Seox explained. There was a guilty look on his face. “I tried to bury them with their own families. The ones I don’t know what family they belonged to, they had their own grave…” It wasn’t easy for him to bury the people he should’ve known. It was tough burying his own father after the reveal in the journal. The corpses were rotting by then but the heartache was worse. He couldn’t imagine how Nehan was feeling right now.

“Your family might be there,” Based on memory, he motioned to one of them.

Nehan bit back a whimper, a white-knuckled grip on his cane as he trembled. Thunder cracked in the distance, the air growing thicker. Nehan approached the grave and collapsed beside it. His fingers dug into the dirt and for a moment he hesitated. He wanted to scream, occasionally giving soft “ah”, but his throat was too dry. It was tough to swallow. He let go of the aid, fingernails finding their way further and further in the earth, disbelief on his face.

“I don’t… I don’t… You…”

After a couple of more moments digging, he gasped sharply and scurried back, his dirty hand covering his mouth. He did his best to keep his composure. Seox, concerned, rubbed Nehan’s back and peered into the small hole.

There was a dead flower with some strings of hair.

Rain fell hard around them, drenching them in seconds. Every repressed memory surfaced in Nehan’s mind, causing the man to vomit onto the ground beside him. The rain made it easy to hide his face, the gasping, and the overwhelming helplessness he felt all those years ago. He didn’t have the strength to fight Seox anymore—he was still so, so weak—and yet his body now shook with rage. 

He glared at Seox, "I wouldn't have thought that you felt so guilty you buried the very same people you killed."

"You can't _imagine_ how guilty I felt all these years. I blamed and hated myself. I thought that the least I could do was to give the people peace. So, I buried them."

"And yet—!" Nehan's voice quaked with grief, "My sister—! The graves—!"

"We _never_ wanted this! I brought you here to show you that they are resting."

Oh, how he had a headache! Nehan had a hand in his hair, his vision blurred as he laughed bitterly. "You are very blessed." Envy in his voice as Seox witnessed the start of Nehan's breaking point. "Had I not been sold to the mafia, I could've been the one to bury my own family…"

He thought of the flower his sister wore that day; the smile and excitement on her face. He couldn't remember the exact words but remembering her was always a solace to him. Now, he just partially dug up her grave because he didn't want to believe that Seox was the one to bury her.

He couldn't help it, he openly sobbed. He felt like he let down his family in some way, letting someone else bury them. He felt like he let them down even more by not raising a child of his own, living happily and moving on. Instead, he had this cruel joke of a life!

He thought of all of his attachments to this world. In fact, his _only_ attachment that's currently with a crew and exploring.

"I thought I discarded everything I desired." Nehan whispered. "How do I stop wanting what I want? How do I let go of it? I thought that if I simply let go of everything, I'd be free from the past. But here I am...in this cycle destiny laid out for me..."

An idea occurred to him and he pulled out his gun.

 _Maybe I should end it all_ , was his brief thought as he felt the cold, circular metal beneath his chin. He was tackled to the ground in that same second, the gun sliding away from his hand.

"Stop it—!"

Seox pinned him, holding the wrist tightly so that Nehan couldn't reach for the weapon. Droplets of rain assaulted Nehan's face, but he registered nothing. He was already going into a dissociative state, everything felt like life was on auto play for him.

Seox looked into lightless blues. The fire in them was snuffed out as they stared into the cloudy sky. The pain in the stoicism Nehan used as a mask was oozing through the cracks. The Eternal added, "It's okay to mourn."

 _What was there to mourn?_ Nehan supposed that he could mourn himself; over his lost and stolen innocence, his childhood. He could mourn the loss of his chance at peace, closure and happiness.

The rain crashing around them was the only sound for what felt like hours.

"...You're cruel." Nehan muttered as the rain began to let up. "More cruel than the man who raised me. I intended to bury them myself, today."

"I—"

"I hate you so much. There's so much that you have, I wished for—for example: guardian angels, a carefree adventure, happiness—this ache I'm left with...is becoming impossible to handle. I remember that day clearly." His voice quivered slightly, "I saw their corpses. I remember tripping over my sister's arm after the massacre… I knew so many of those people… to see my friends gutted like fish… some of the horror on the ground..." The memory of the gore was enough to cause the man to roll onto his side and gag.

He remembered the blood everywhere, staring into his big sister's wide eyes as he fell. He remembered how terrible it smelled. He remembered letting out such a shrill scream his throat became hoarse. He remembered that night he escaped Karm.

"I'm so sorry…"

Nehan was back on his knees, pulling his coat closer to himself. "I remember so many hands on me after leaving here… having their way. The drugs and overdosing, roughness of their treatments; my plea; men; women… I remember being beaten… over and over again, it didn't stop… I remember bleeding out... and still, I'm stuck with feeling numb. Fate took away every possible family. I just want a family..."

A pause as Nehan continued to stare at nothing as he re-lived every instance, his world as gray as the clouds above. He resembled a lost and scared child in that moment. 

"I want my family..."

**Author's Note:**

> @AkiraMenace on twitter for updates/random ideas about karm or sneak peeks at the multi-chapter. archive for my ideas.


End file.
